The Weakest Wizard
by starfruit
Summary: Rating for language. It's a short, stupid pointless thing - the weakest link, Harry Potter style! Hosted by our favourite dark lord...Voldemort!


Harry Potter, the weakest link.  
  
Contestants:  
  
Harry Potter  
  
Ron Weasley  
  
Hermione Granger  
  
Albus Dumbledore  
  
Severus Snape  
  
Fred (or is it George?) Weasley  
  
Draco Malfoy  
  
Sirius Black  
  
Remus Lupin  
  
  
  
And our host: Voldemort!  
  
Round 1:  
  
Voldemort: Hello. I am your host, for this episode of 'The weakest wizard'  
  
Let's talk to a few of our contestants, shall we?  
  
Harry: I'm Harry Potter. I have defeated you-know-who on no-less than 4 occasions, well, that's until the 5th book comes out. I enjoy playing Quidditch.  
  
Ron: I'm Ron, Harry's sidekick. I like playing wizard chess.  
  
Hermione: *I'm* Hermione Granger. And *you're* Voldemort, I read about you. I read a lot of things. Most things, actually…  
  
Dumbledore: I'm Albus, would you like a sherbert lemon?  
  
Snape: I'm Severus Snape, the potions master at Hogwart's school of witchcraft and wizardry. I enjoy terrorising innocent 1st year Gryffindors, and I despise Harry Potter.  
  
Harry: That feeling's bloody mutual, I can assure you!  
  
Fred: I'm Fred. Or George. I can't remember which.  
  
Draco Malfoy: The name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy. I am a pureblood wizard. I enjoy practising the dark arts.  
  
Sirius: Sirius Black, I'm on the run from the dementors, and when they find me they will suck out my soul.  
  
Remus Lupin: I'm a werewolf. I enjoy romantic dinners, going to the theatre and strolls along the beach…  
  
Voldemort: Okay, now on with the questions!  
  
Voldemort: Harry.  
  
Harry: BANK!  
  
Voldemort: YOU CAN'T BANK YET!!! What is the name of the famous wizard who at the age of 1 defeated me?  
  
Harry: Um…can I ask the audience?  
  
Voldemort: No – and I doubt they'd know either. RON! What is the surname of the member of the four founders called Godric?  
  
Ron: Gryffindor.  
  
Voldemort: Correct. Hermione, what is my middle name?  
  
Hermione: Marvalo?  
  
Voldemort: Yes. Albus! Who helped to defeat Grindlewald?  
  
Dumbledore: Oh, I believe that was…me.  
  
Voldemort: Yes. Severus, where are red-caps most commonly found?  
  
Snape: Mongolia.  
  
Voldemort: NO! Japan, right – Fred! What does 'O.W.L' stand for?  
  
Fred: I'm not Fred, I'm George!  
  
Voldemort: WRONG! The answer was 'ordinary wizarding levels' Draco, why do you hate Potter?  
  
Draco: Because I'm a jealous knob.  
  
Voldemort: CORRECT!! Lupin, what is the name of the Bulgarian team's seeker?  
  
Lupin: Viktor Krum.  
  
Voldemort: Yes, now – on with the voting.  
  
Voice over (Hagrid) – Statistically, right, um…no-one's really the strongest or weakest link 'cos we only had time for one question each.  
  
Voldemort: NOW! Tell us who you are all voting for.  
  
Harry: Snape  
  
Ron: Snape  
  
Hermione: Snape  
  
Dumbledore: Snape  
  
Fred: Snape  
  
Draco: Snape  
  
Lupin: Snape  
  
Snape: Potter.  
  
Voldemort: Right…why Snape everyone?  
  
Harry: He's a git.  
  
Ron: He's a git.  
  
Hermione: Mongolia? COME ON!!  
  
Dumbledore: I thought we had to write down the people we fancy…  
  
Fred: He's a git.  
  
Draco: Sorry Professor, but you gave me a shit mark the other day in potions.  
  
Lupin: He's a git, who doesn't know a thing about DADA!!  
  
Snape: ~eyes narrow~  
  
Voldemort: Well. I don't want to vote off my Sevvie-poo, because he's my loyal death-eater, aren't you?  
  
Dumbledore: Sevvie-poo!  
  
Voldemort: Dumbledore can go! Go on, bye! Piss off you old bastard, go on, clear off!  
  
Dumbledore leaves.  
  
_*_Highlights from the second round_*_  
  
Voldemort: What does the polyjuice potion do?  
  
Ron: Um…wait, don't tell me – I know this one!  
  
Voldemort: No you don't.  
  
Hermione: RON!! You should know that one, we made it in book 2, remember? We broke into Snape's private stores and…oops.  
  
Snape: 1million points from Gryffindor!!!  
  
Ron: DAMN!!  
  
  
  
  
  
3rd round – Hagrid (voice over)  
  
Well – everyone's completely useless, apart from Hermione, she's doing okay. Um…Lupin turned into a werewolf during the last round, and ate Ron, but that was okay.  
  
______________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
Voldemort: Right, another round!  
  
All: ~Groan…~  
  
Voldemort: CRUCIO!!  
  
Everyone apart from Snape and Harry writhe around in pain, then die.  
  
Harry: ~shakes~  
  
Voldemort: Right, Harry! What are the 3 main ingredients in a swelling potion?  
  
Harry: Um…  
  
Snape: Go on Potter! Worm your way out of this one!  
  
Harry: Um…my parents died when I was only 1. ~sniff~  
  
Audience: Aaaaah!  
  
Voldemort: Okay, Severus can have this question.  
  
Snape: WHAT?!! How come Potter gets away with it?  
  
Voldemort: WRONG! Even though you _are_ a potions master! Harry, you are the winner!!  
  
Snape: WHAT??!!! ~swears and shouts and begins to foam at the mouth.~  
  
Harry: YAY!!  
  
Backstage:  
  
Harry: I knew I'd win, I mean come on, I'm the main character in the books, aren't I? I feel so glad about beating Snape, but I might have to hire a bodyguard…  
  
Snape: DAMN THAT POTTER!!! I will have my revenge, I will get him if It's the last thing I do!  
  
Voldemort: Sevvie-poo! I have the car waiting.  
  
Snape: Coming…~mouth twitches~ 


End file.
